One Blue Moon

i do not want to go to france anymore. i heart vermontpelier.

I've started typing this first sentence three times because I have continuously had to stop and laugh at the cat who is furiously licking away at her catnip square. Let me begin by saying that I am not the only one who is perfectly content in Vermont. She spends her days lying in front of the tv, begging for food, and following jeff...we are more alike than my human sister and I.

Nothing has really prompted this entry. Maybe boredom. Maybe a feeling of accomplishment for making the apartment spotless. Maybe I wanted to share some stories from bar tending a civil union this weekend. Yes. That's it.

So, Jeff and I worked for a caterer this weekend in Northfield. He, a yo olde mother shucker for a raw bar stationed inside of the largest canoe that I've ever seen; myself, a master of the ales. For me, the party was pretty awesome. The people were cool, the tips were plentiful, and the drinks were easy to make. For Jeff it was an electric and gory event...as in...he was electrocuted and sliced up.

Anywho...so, at the end of the night the mother of the bride was completely sloshed and she brought out envelopes full of monies for each of the bar tenders. I gladly accepted $275 even though I was only supposed to make like $120. Hell, I'm the one who got the mother of the bride (or one of them) drunk enough to forget that she wasn't supposed to pay me directly, so I deserve a little extra dough. So, we went home and I thought wow, that's cool that I got paid directly by the people instead of having to wait to get a check from the caterer. Then, the next day I get a call from the caterer who says that the woman wasn't supposed to give the money directly to me because she first needed to take out her 'service fee' for just ARRANGING for me to be there, and she says that she wants me to give her $55 back in cash or she will take it out of Jeff's paycheck. WHOA. This woman seriously called me and told me that she wants me to give her money back because she was supposed to steal from me before giving me a dividend of what she charged the people to have a bartender. Long story short...I'm pretty sure that I'm going to tell her to fuck off because there is no way that I should have to give her back money that I've already earned (and deposited hehe)...also, there is no way in hell that I'm ever working for her again anyways. Phew...that was a lot longer than I thought it would be. But shite man, that was so obnoxious that I had to get it off my chest again.

Oh yeah, so I also got ANOTHER job while I was working that party. The other bartender ended up being the manager for one of Montpelier's coolest restaurants, Positive Pie, and she hired me to be a server! I started yesterday and I'm working my first real shift tomorrow. It's the job that I initially wanted when I moved here, so the fact that I ended up scoring it in such a strange way really shows how random life can be. Random/bad ass.

And now the wifey is calling, so I must go. Maybe more later.

i'm not at centre anymore and it finally feels good to say the things that I've always wanted to? if that makes me a bad person then fine. i'd rather have mean things said to me than maliciously and secretly done to me or behind my back for no particular reason.

Will Roberts, 44, of Plainfield, one of the organizers. "It's not only promoting environmentally-sound transportation, it's also promoting a healthy body image."

http://www.timesargus.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080527/NEWS01/805270361/1002/NEWS01

why did i skip class this afternoon to go take a celebratory ride on my favorite horse, Beau?

Oh yeah...because I got into the teaching assistantship program!

Who has two thumbs and is moving to Nancy or Metz??? THIS lady.

Somehow all of my plans are working out and I actually have a very distinct idea of where my life is going. I at least know for sure what I will be doing for the next year. In May I finish up here at Centre, in June I move to Vermont and then in October I fly to Fwance. so Kentuverance!!!! yaaaay.

do I love my life right now? I think/know that I do...

well here we go.

my work for seminar has come and gone. i'm not so happy with how my presentation went...but am I ever happy about how a presentation goes? no. All I know is that I produced 17 pages of words about stuff. sounds good enough for me, so it should be good enough for you. now, i have a quiz in french, a one page paper for french, a stupid ceramics presentation, one quickie e-mailed final for maxi and a keffer final. i am definitely on the downward spiral. i can really slack off now and not even feel guilty. wows.

life is all swirly twirly (maybe twirly swirly?). school is about to end and i haven't even tried to grasp what that means or entails. i have a plan and it is a pretty good one so I feel less of a need to worry about much. i imagine the many situations that i would be in right now if just one detail in my life was different and all of these situations are chaotic. i really enjoy knowing what general direction i am headed in, and i also really enjoy knowing that this general direction is gunna rock. i'm not really sure exactly what i did to deserve this happier place. karma? potentially. luck? maybe but far less likely. witchcraft/voodoo? can't say. oh well, as long as it doesn't stop any time soon then there really isn't much of a reason to need an explanation.

all i know is that this summer with involve:
a short stint at the country club followed by the grand and potentially boisterous exit of said club, a packed up car, bike paths in burlington, a golden dome, restaurant phoebe, cider and popcorn at an art house theater, BROJ, hippies crossword puzzles, and happy. for once. danke.

yes um i'd like one oatmeal raisin cookie, i'll have one small hot coffee, i'll take a copy of akeelah and the bee, i'll have one macaroon...

thats just my typical trip to starbucks...i don't know how you folks roll

life is unbearable.

I don't really have anything of consequence to say, just a lot of thoughts that are keeping me awake.

Since my last entry I've finished my applications and I am now awaiting what surely will be a load of rejection letters...but oh vell.... I keep getting nervous and thinking about applying to more schools.

My life has changed so much recently after I took a deep look at myself and what I had become I knew that if I didn't make it better soon I would be at the point of no return. Since graduating from high school I have become a basket case. I don't sleep well, I worry incessantly, I don't have any faith in myself or my capacities, and I no longer know what makes me happy.

So, I got a haircut, some new clothes, and a new outlook. I have finally started riding again. It is the first thing that I have added to my schedule in years that is purely for me. Something outside of work and of school that can help me forget all the things I've done wrong. Riding is also something that I've always had and my interest in it has never wavered as it has with many other things. I have always enjoyed it and I always will.

Finding myself in a very unhappy place a little while ago I just decided to ask myself, "self...how can you be happy again, what makes you happy?" You know what, I didn't have an answer to this question, and I'm still not really sure if I do. I know, however, that I have gotten rid of many things in my life that made me unhappy. For so long I have been resuscitating something that wanted to die and that needed to die. I was selfish and probably foolish, but it was always very convincing. I finally realized that as I have changed so had they and we could no longer give each other what we wanted and needed. Something in my life that always gave me happiness and security became a beast of burden and something that I no longer knew how to control. Letting that free has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, yet I know that after a while I'll finally realize how right it was to do.

Life is changing and we are moving on. Many people at Centre have become my family and the thought that I could potentially lose them in a couple months makes my heart ache. While there is so much I want to move on to my entire body still wishes it could turn the clocks back to freshman orientation and do it all over again. Time has moved both fast and slow.

How am I supposed to be motivated to study for this final tomorrow? It is pass/fail and I am at the end of three 8:30 finals that actually mattered.

I feel like the four blue books that I wrote for this morning's exam should be enough for two exams...why isn't Kinkade interested in the Ukraine developing a model of republicanism similar to that of France's? Seems relevant enough to Romanticism for my tastes...

A+!

Also, I totally have dean's list next semester. I knew I didn't really stand a chance this semester when I faced psychology...and I was right.

SO, chwistmas bweak starts tomorrow...which means the country club yet again owns me. Also, law school applications and the assistantship application abound in the month of december.

Which brings me to today's survey, where in France should I request to live next year?

Almost there...too bad "there" isn't somewhere I am so sure that I want to be.

I've been studying for the LSAT for the past few hours and I have discovered that my 'hands-off' approach since the last test has worked. Actually not studying a lot and forgetting about it has somehow made me more adept to getting the right answers. I remember the night before the first time i took it I was flipping the fuck out, and this time it is just another thing to do...no big deal, just kind of a pain.

It sucks that I put so much effort and stress into the first test and fucked it up. Studying for it the first time really botched up my grades in a few classes...so i went ahead and sent my transcripts in to LSAC and no one will know what I got this semester...

So I have kind of a dilemma. There are a few things that I really want to do next year and I am finding it really hard to decide. I have thought more and more about the assistantship program in France and I think that I am more interested in that than going to law school...to the point where I think that even if I get into pepperdine or UCLA I am going to defer...which is just kind of crazy in my kinda ocd mind since it is not the "plan". Also, what the fuck am I going to do after graduation? Even if I decide to go to France I still have to do something until October. I really want to go to california and work but that just means leaving everything that is so familiar very quickly to possibly never return. My life for the next few years could realistically be: graduation, summer in california, year in france, move to california next summer, attend some sort of law school, graduate from some sort of law school...and then get a job? fuck.

I really don't know why but I am really scared to leave, especially since everything that I am going to do after graduation involves growing balls. Growing the balls to go and live in France alone, growing the balls to meet people wherever I end up, growing the balls to be fact the socratic method, growing the balls to become a lawyer, and so forth.

It really sucks that I find myself being completely isolated. I have taken too many shortcuts around making friends and forging alliances which is going to end up making my life a very lonely one. I constantly find that I have made many wrong decisions in deciding who to keep around and who to let go. As I am sure we all would do, I would make so many changes if I could go back...and part of me wonders whether I would choose Centre again. Now that my time here is close to concluding I have realized that I really did love it here, and I am also realizing that there are many things I could have done to love it more. My time abroad was amazing but I spent most of my time alone. My professors have, for the most part, been such supportive and fascinating people, and watching the leaves fall during my last autumn here was truly poetic and grossly symbolic.

I don't know what I am going to think or say when I graduate. I don' know where I will be going or what I will be doing. I am certain, however, that I will think back to these years and you people for many years to come.

Its times like these where I wish I had kept a journal.

oh...and according to the Gardner test I have severe OCD. It kinda all makes sense now, right?

all is lost

pay for the lsat...check
buy books...check
freak out about driving across the country...check

parental birthday recognitions...uncheck
pay car insurance...check
resubscribe to vogue...check
buy car travelin' supplies...uncheck

get in touch with reality...uncheck
study for the lsat...uncheck

sometime it just feels better to have it all written down and out there for the world to see. Though, it does suck that i haven't completed a lot of my list...

dude...


we're old mo fos.

i feel very reckless right now. extremely emotional, unsure, and deeply and profoundly sad. I kind of feel like I have arrived at some sort of crossroads, and I am really scared that I am taking the wrong path. I have screwed up a lot, and I am beating myself up about it a lot. I am really confused as well. I don't really know where to turn, what to do, and how to stop this ache in my heart and head. I can't sleep, eat, or dig deep enough for tears.

I just really don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

i am stressed, i am sad, and I am being pushed way too far to the edge of both time and temper.

where the fuck am I going to find the time to do anything this weekend? Where are these hours I need hiding at? There is no way I am going to be able to fit everything into the time I have provided. I am not even enjoying the few moments I have to do anything because I am too stressed about all that I have to do. There will be no rest and no enjoyment until next thursday, and that is just the bottom line. oh my effing god...bitch bitch bitch

internship plus...fuck yeah


hey, you wanna summer soon? cool.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6569797.stm

i want to know your initial reactions to the heading and the picture...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18066068/?GT1=9246

what is left in the world?